
Initially I planned to write a witty, sarcastic blog about Valentine’s Day but when I ran out of time to fully execute my idea, I deleted my 682 words and just started writing (because I’m OCD like that). This is the result:
A few weeks ago my dad reminded me I’m getting older and suggested I “get on the manhunt.” Wow, really Dad? Didn’t you just tell me men shouldn’t settle down until their 30’s!?
I reminded my dad that career comes first and I’m in no rush to settle down. I’ve always said if I’m 35 and single, I’ll adopt. Past relationships, a measly dating pool and what some might call impossible standards, make me apprehensive to even put myself out there. While it wouldn’t be hard to find a boyfriend, I’m not really looking for one. I believe the best relationships start out as friendships. Unlike most 20-somethings looking to couple up, I’m looking for the ultimate guyfriend.
So what is a guyfriend?
A guyfriend is someone who shares similar interests, has a good sense of humor and a keen intellect. He is goal oriented, respectful and always has your back. The best part of a guyfriend? You don’t need to hang out twenty-four-fucking-seven to enjoy each other.
I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t that a boyfriend?”
Negative. A boyfriend brings you flowers, takes you to dinner and schmoozes your pants off. He’ll text crap like “Baby I miss you soooooo much. Can’t wait for tonight lover bug!!!” and you usually find it cute at the time. Boyfriends buy elaborate gifts, say stuff too good to be true and usually result in a messy breakup.
A guyfriend brings you an XHNFWM before you mob to the mountain in hopes of catching first chair. He goes on late night photo missions, early morning photo missions and, if you’re lucky, he’ll even hold the Photoflex on a fashion shoot. Guyfriends don’t care if you’re sweaty from the gym, tired from work or in need of girl time. You have a mutual respect and trust unparalleled by a boyfriend. The ideal guyfriend can stay up all night talking politics, conspiracy theories and careers. Basically he’ll stimulate you mentally before anything else.
I’m not going to find “Mr. Right” at the bar, the grocery store or the gym. Frankly, I sometimes doubt I’ll ever find him. The dating process leaves me feeling hopeless. One guy told me, after half a gallon of Monarch, I’m “smart, beautiful and super intimidating.” Why? Because I blog and lived in China. Drunken words are sober thoughts, right? When asked for insight, another male friend told me I’m too busy and “not available enough” for a boyfriend. Why is it that men like the idea of an independent woman, but most can’t handle one?
In my years on the market, I’ve consistently noticed two types of men: the Flake and the Cling-On. The Flake will text you for last minute plans, try buying you a billion shots, then offer to “let you spend the night.” This tool clearly plays the field and kissing him is like kissing the bar toilet. Risky. Then you have the Cling-On… This boy, bless his heart, is a stage-3 looking for love. He texts you constantly, regardless of a response. He calls, then calls again “just to talk.” He makes plans for tomorrow, the night after, the night after that, and the following weekend. You feel bad cutting him off, but he’s so damn obnoxious you have no other option.
On what planet are either of these extremes acceptable? Guys like this are the reason I avoid the opposite sex! What happened to dating, courtship and anticipation? Is it possible to have a happy medium?
The field is flooded with 20-something Flakes and Cling-Ons. I’m over it. I’ve been over it. I’m sick of putting myself out there only to be let down. I need a guy who is as stoked on me as I am on him. I don’t want a guy who blows up my phone, nor do I want one who blows his load in every hole with blonde hair. I want someone who can go on road trips, rock out at concerts, get up on a board and get down in the sack. Guyfriend, where are you!?
I hate to say it, but for now I’ve officially given up on the male species. Are you, or someone you know, a badass guy? Send them my way. In the interim I’ll be taking pics, traveling the globe and kicking off my career. Now if only I had a guyfriend who could keep up… (sigh)
♥ BB
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