In nine months some people fall in love. Others get married or have children. Me? I’ve somehow managed to go without sex. Here’s why…
My slip into celibacy didn’t happen overnight. It wasn’t planned nor caused by a single guy or event. Much to the dismay of the Catholic Church, I’m not saving myself for marriage either. Time overseas opened my eyes and altered my attitude. When I came home I decided to continue my dry spell and not sleep around.
In China I bought the (pirated) movie “He’s Just Not that Into You.” Between the good humor, great cast and much needed message, I watched it almost daily. So what is the message of this movie? See things for what they are. If a guy wants to get ahold of you, he will. He won’t do it via Twitter, text or email. If a guy really wants to see you, he will pick up the phone and make it happen.
I adopted this mantra and applied it to my minimal love life. I played the dating pool without sleeping around. Guys lied, ditched on plans, “kept options open” and didn’t call me back. Bad behavior didn’t matter. Not having sex lowered my tolerance for bullshit and helped me see past excuses. I simply took my dignity and moved along.
A couple months back my friend Alex at The Leather Weather posted a blog about dating and the courtship process. She hit the nail on the head. Our generation has the courtship process backwards. Sex comes at the end of dating. Why do girls expect respect when they sleep with someone on the first, second or even third date? Just because a guy buys you a drink, dinner or movie ticket, doesn’t mean you owe him. Is he respectful? Is he a man of his word? Is he trustworthy, chivalrous and kind to others? If so, then by all means drop trou. But ladies, if sex comes first, do you really think he’ll spend more time getting to know you? Even Alex says, “If I like a guy, I won’t be sleeping with him for awhile.”
While women worry about men jumping ship after sex, men worry women will never leave the deck. Guys talk about “stage-3 clingers,” then casually talk about “boning” on the third date. I get it, guys are horny, but is this really a surprise? There is nothing wrong with taking it slow. Build the anticipation. Get inside a girl’s head before you get in her pants. It will be worth it in the end. Want to get to know a girl, get her in bed and still keep things cool? According to Alex, “At the very least make it clear you are fucking them. Not making sweet, sweet love to them.” She says, “Yes, girls are crazy, but we can also (usually) take a hint when its given.”
If my mantra isn’t enough to change your mind, this should be: STDs. It seems like everyone has them. I don’t. Think I’m joking? According to the CDC, one in six sexually active Americans has genital herpes. I confirmed this statistic with my doctor. She says depending on your location that number could be higher. Even worse? Viruses are always changing to become stronger. Because our generation is so sexually active, the herpes virus has mutated so that HSV1 and HSV2 are now interchangeable. I’ll spare you the gnarly details, but reiterate that a cold sore isn’t “just a cold sore” anymore. So the next time you debate oral from that hottie at the bar, ask yourself, “Could I live my life knowing this person gave me herpes?”
Alright, alright I’ll step off my soapbox. I’m not advocating virginity or celibacy, but monogamy and selectivity. It seems to be a dwindling concept in a society perplexed by sex, scandal and affairs. I encourage all sexually active young adults to pull it out for a minute. Analyze your situation. Is she just not that into you? Is he a stage-3 clinger? Would the so-called relationship even exist without sex!?
About a week ago my friend Kelly tweeted his disdain for the stereotypes between men and women who sleep around. He received a response saying, “A key that opens a lot of locks is a good key. A lock that’s opened by a lot of keys is a bad lock.”
While I find the saying slightly misogynistic (and it only reiterates why I’m not sleeping around) comparing ourselves to locks and keys is a great analogy. No one likes a loose lock. However, not every woman wants a skeleton key. Some locks are better left closed. Some keys don’t fit, no matter how hard you try. And sometimes it’s better to just keep your box padlocked. In the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with picking your lock or jiggling your keys. (wink)