WARNING: If you can’t handle vulgarity or sarcasm, you can’t handle this blog. If you read it, don’t complain. You’ve been warned.
10. Constant Status Updates
I don’t need to hear about bodily functions, buying a Slurpee, getting off work, drinking a beer, getting high, fights with friends, random hookups, watching a movie alone, taking a walk, scentsy burners, picking up dog poop, picking your nose, hairy legs, ruined dry cleaning, mopping floors, broken nails, sleeping in, eating lunch, doctors appointments, shampooed carpets, hating the weather, hating your boss or hating your ex.
If you want to post shit 24/7, sign up for Twitter… And follow me @BessByers!
9. Ridiculous Photos
I should tread lightly on this one, because I’m sure (actually I know) people think some of my pictures are ridiculous. Too bad, here I go.
Just because you have professional photos on the internet, does not make you a model. I am not a model. I know this. I am 5’6″ with a few curves. I take pictures of friends to practice my photography and design skills. I work with other photographers to expand my knowledge and have fun. In fact, I must credit Jesse Powell for getting me amped on edgy fashion photos. If you do take model photos, please research the photographer beforehand. You can’t just pose for any lurch with a camera.
That being said, I have friends with Modeling albums. What are these Modeling albums? Point-and-shoot, under exposed, over Photoshopped pictures of the subject shirtless. Take it easy on the gaussian blur and for Christ’s sake use a layer mask! This friend also talks about how they model and “it’s what I do.” Unless people pay you to take a photo, or you’re signed to an agency, you’re not a model. Facebook photos do not make you a model and I include myself in this one.
Now what can be worse than internet modeling photos? Bathroom mirror photos. Enough said.
8. Facebook Relationships
Continuing with the theme of photos, let’s talk about couple photos. If there’s anything that annoys me more, it’s couples who have a bazillion default photos together. We get it. You’re in a relationship. Congrats.
Do you really need 321 of 325 default pics together? Do you really need 179 photos kissing, holding hands and giving a sarcastic thumbs up? Do you realize how ridiculous you look when you end your Facebook relationship, only to delete the 321 said photos and replace them with your new Facebook relationship?
Here’s a few other Facebook relationship pet peeves. Must couples remind each other who loves who more? Seriously, if I see one more “I LOVE YOU MORE” on my Facebook wall I’m going to gouge my eyes out with a salad fork. Who are you convincing? Yourself? Everyone else? If you can’t express your love any other way than Facebook, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
Another major pet peeve is the whole “Facebook official” thing. Why put pressure on the relationship by posting it on Facebook? It’s surprising when people are unexpectedly “In a Relationship”. Unfortunately when the relationship ends the dumpee constantly updates their status about being sad, lonely, needing a cuddle buddy, etc. (See #10) Am I the only one who finds this ridiculously immature?
If I ever end up in a Facebook relationship… Fuck it. That will never happen. If I exclusively date you, don’t expect me to blast it on Facebook. If you ask me to be “In a Relationship” I will deny your request. No hard feelings.
*If you live together or are married this is acceptable… To an extent.
7. Everyone has Facebook
Remember when Facebook was only for college kids? Remember when they opened it up to high school kids? (sigh) Those were the days…
Nowadays everyone has Facebook. Heck, I don’t know half the people who add me (thank you for friending me and continue following my blog). Chances are your mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, cousin, second cousin, third cousin in-law and/or cat has a Facebook. My dad requested me three times before I blocked him. (Sorry Dad!) Aside from a few cousins, I’ve blocked everyone in my family. Do my aunts need to know I’m attending a house party? Do I really want my friends’ parents seeing my status 24/7? Even with privacy settings, because I thought I implemented those, comments left to a friend still showed up on my aunt’s newsfeed. Disappointed in my choice of words, she decided to update her status (see #10). The end result? Family members gossiping, unbeknownst to them their profile is public. Facebook FAIL.
6. Fan Pages
These just confuse me. Creating one for work solidified my hatred for fan pages. Apparently Facebook doesn’t let companies, bands, etc. create profiles. Instead, they must create absurd fan pages and get people to “like” them.
To create this user-unfriendly promotional tool, someone within the company must create a fan page and link it to their Facebook account. Fan pages are a pain to make and a nightmare to maintain. I somehow accidentally linked my personal Twitter account to my company fan page. I spent over an hour trying to change my linked Twitter account. I read everything (and I mean everything) about Facebook’s fan pages. After several swear words, four cups of coffee, three created-then-deleted fan pages and one swift head bang to my keyboard, I figured out it’s impossible to re-link your Twitter fan page.
*This situation gave me the idea to write this blog. If someone knows how to re-link a Twitter fan page, can you please let me and the Facebook team know. Apparently they can’t explain this to users (see #2).
5. Targeted Advertising
Ever noticed how Facebook’s ads coincide with your political beliefs, athletic interests, sexual orientation, etc.? This is no coincidence. Facebook sells your information to advertisers. Ads are targeted to Internet users based on their personal search data. Targeted ads are more effective and make advertisers’ dollars more effective. Does this make you nervous?
Reports recently accused Facebook of outing gay users through targeted advertising. Microsoft Institute and the Max Planck Institute in Germany conducted a survey to back up these claims. The study included six fake Facebook profiles with different sexual orientations. The results found a “measurable difference” in the content of advertisements. Naturally, gay users received more ads targeted towards their sexual preference. Surprisingly though, many ads shown to the gay “user” were not shown to other users. “As an example, they cite an ad for a nursing program at a Florida college that appeared for the gay male account, but none of the others” (CNN, 2010).
Click here to read the whole story and decide for yourself.
Overall, and sexual orientation aside, I have a problem with my personal data (birthday, city, interests, etc.) being sold to advertisers. While traveling abroad, I noticed a change in targeted ad content. It made me wonder why and how this information is being tracked. Moreover, it made me question the privacy of my Facebook account and whether Facebook is more concerned about its users or its profits.
4. Privacy Settings or Lack Thereof
Who am I kidding? Facebook’s privacy settings are a joke. When I moved to China I made sure my Facebook account was only visible to friends. Imagine my surprise (or anger) to discover Facebook “redesigned” its privacy settings and made everyone’s profile public. Users had to “opt in” and re-privatize their accounts. Bad move Facebook…
Hey Zuckerberg, you’re smart enough to create the number one social networking site in the world. Why aren’t you smart enough to realize people will be pissed if their profiles are suddenly public? I’m still not sure the point of this whole “privacy” redesign. Can someone let me know?
Living in a country whose government blocks Facebook (yes, China regulates and monitors its internet), I did not appreciate my information being public for all the pedophiles and predators. Fuck poking. If I could punch Mark Zuckerberg via Facebook, I’d do it.
Seriously, who has time for Farmville, Mafia Wars, Zoo World, Modern Warfare 2, Plants vs. Zombies, Icy Tower, Fish Tanks, Counter Strike, Blizzard, Doodle Jump, Tekken, Pogo, Chess, Diablo, Fallout, Deadly Neighbours, Into Space, US Mint, Hanger, Shoot Em, BMX Master, Ninja Cat, Truck Loader, Happy Wheels, Bike Champ or any other time consuming ridiculous game? Stop sending me these game invites! I will not give you corn for your farm!!
If you play any of these games, please get a job… Then kick your own ass.
2. Facebook’s “Support” Team
When my Facebook account got hacked three summers ago I realized the incompetence of the Facebook team. Actually my Facebook, MySpace and .Me account got hacked (presumably by the same douchebag). It took Facebook’s “support team” roughly a week to write me back. When they finally got ahold of me, they said to wait a few more days for verification. I hadn’t been on Facebook for over two weeks and decided to create another profile. This is apparently against Facebook’s rules and they let me know. How? They deleted both my accounts and I started from scratch.
Only on a select few occasions have I needed the Facebook “support” team. Every time I need help, I’m directed to a Help page with a list of 100+ questions. If your question isn’t asked on the Help page, you’re screwed. There is no number to call for Facebook support. With 1700+ employees, you’d think Zuckerberg could include a call center…
1. Inability to Permanently Delete Profiles
South Park recently covered this and for good reason. We are unable to permanently delete our Facebook profiles.
Facebook doesn’t allow users to delete accounts, rather they can make them inactive. If your profile exists, even if inactive, Facebook counts you as another user. Why does this matter? So they can sell their numbers to advertisers and garner more ad revenue.
Even if I wanted to permanently delete my account, Facebook doesn’t allow me to do so. Had I known this six years ago, I would’ve reconsidered an account all together.
In summation, let’s lock it up Facebook staff and users. Do we seriously want to go down the same road as MySpace? If I didn’t have 1,300+ friends, Facebook would’ve been deleted months ago. If one day my account is gone, you will know why.
What’s done is done, but remember this: the stupid shit we post online will live in cyberspace forever.